Journal
Living In Limbo
What a monk taught me about living in the waiting room of life
"You're stuck in the idea of the future instead of understanding the now."
Said directly to my face as I sat on the floor, kneeling before the monk who was seated in an elevated chair in front of me.
Surrounded by four other women in white who had dedicated their entire lives to understanding the "art of awareness."
I was intimidated.
What did I know about peace when I wasn't even feeling it in that current moment?
I felt overwhelmingly humbled.
All five of us sat in meditation for 30–45 minutes. I was told to keep my focus on the front of my tongue, keeping my awareness in one spot for the entire duration.
To stay constantly focused on the present moment.
Before beginning, my ego took over. I've been practicing daily meditation for over a year now.
I told myself, "30 minutes to sit in silence and think about the tip of my tongue… easy."
But it was the opposite of easy.
Shortly after we began, anxiety took over my body. The intense stillness around me, the spiritual high arches surrounding the room, mixed with the chaos of the thoughts running through my head, sent me into anxiety.
I felt my tongue grow cold while my body heated up. My legs went numb quickly, and I started to sweat.
I quickly realized that I did not know the art of the now.
Between the eerie quietness of the world around me and the subtle sound of leaves falling outside, I was forced to listen.
Understanding the now is listening to yourself when there are no distractions in the way.
It is being aware of the person you currently are and addressing your actions.
It is bringing your awareness back to the woman you are today.
I learned that most of us are unknowingly living our lives in limbo.
Constantly placing our awareness on the past or the future.
Putting ourselves in the waiting room of life.
Waiting for the door of opportunity to open, or for "the right timing."
I learned that we often choose a life built on limerence, neglecting the now while obsessing and fantasizing over what will come next.
Creating a mindset built on achievement, subconsciously chasing approval.
The art of awareness is being honest about who you are now, and asking yourself if your day-to-day actions align with who you want to become.
Raw Moments of How This Story Came to Life
